Funny Thoughts

Each Wednesday I put on here funny things that others say on Twitter, and I thought why not put some of the things I've added on twitter and Facebook over the years. So hear are some of the funny sayings I've found over the years that I've posted on Twitter and Facebook...

You my friend, should have been swallowed.

I have a bad case of Idontgiveashititis.

If I had a nickel for every stupid thing you ever said. I'd have a sock full of nickels to beat you with.

I would take your advice, but I can't go to hell. Satan still has a restraining order against me.

Respect is earned not given.

The only reason you talk about me behind my back is because you have no life.

Confucius say man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day long.

I bet you feel totally fucktarded right now, don't you? You totally mistook me for someone who was going to take your bullshit. better luck next time douche bag.

If you're smoking in here, you'd better be on fire.

So, if I were to do unto others as they have always done unto me. How much jail time would that be for me exactly?

Last night I dreamed of you, I had to sleep with the lights on the rest of the night.

I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain.

Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.

You hide crazy like a bikini hides an extra 45 pounds.

I'd trust a fart after a binge at Taco Bell more than I'd ever trust you.

You know that annoying little turd that just swirls at the bottom of the bowl and won't flush? Yeah, that's you.

If you have a problem with me, then cry me a river and drown yourself in it.

I make milk...what's your super power?

I look at people sometimes and think...really? That's the sperm that won?

If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend...tell him you have a penis.

I have many small things on my mind, but your penis isn't one of them.

We need gun control and idiot control.

If I did half the things rumors said I did, I might have more fun.