This week I decided to go out of my comfort zone and walk a little further down the trail that I walk Falcor on. I don't usually walk past that fence in the above picture. I suffer from Agoraphobia so just being able to get out of my apartment and walk next to my complex is a big deal for me. At one point I hadn't stepped outside my apartment door for 10 years. As it stands right now I have only been away from right around my apartment twice in the last 15 years. Once when my mom passed away and the other time was when I broke my shoulder. It takes a lot to get me to go out.
So this is the path that I walked down with Falcor. I only went about half way and then turned back because the amount of anxiety and stress I felt was enormous which caused another problem for me. I also suffer from SchizoAffective Disorder, which is basically like having Schizophrenia without the psychosis. So when I get stressed out or have anxiety I end up having hallucinations and sometimes I hear voices or whispering. The antipsychotic medication I'm taking does help a little but it still happens. I've talked about this a few times but I don't post about it a lot because of the stigma surrounding mental illness but so many people suffer in silence and that's not right so if I can help even one person by sharing some of my story, I'm happy to do that.
The trail that runs right next door to my apartment complex that I walk down is called The Bonanza Trail and a lot of people use this trail for running, walking and hiking. I believe the entire trail is about 17 miles long and goes through a lot of Las Vegas. I haven't been to other parts of the trail.
Falcor enjoyed going for a longer walk. Falcor also turns 5 years old today.
Happy Birthday, Falcor.
That's neat that you were able to push the envelope a little. I appreciate your bravery in bringing up your private battles. Definitely a wonderful kind thing to share with others.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I appreciate that.
DeletePushing a little further day by day or here and there isn't bad to try. Hope he has a happy birthday.
ReplyDeleteA little bit at a time works for me.
DeleteThen huge accomplishment that you went a little further. Well done. And happy birthday to Falcor.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I can't believe he's 5 already.
DeleteI know how hard it is for you. I'm glad you were able to go a bit farther down the path this time.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Even a little further is great for me.
DeleteHappy birthday to him! It's so great that you managed to go further. That's a great achievement
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm glad I was able to also.
DeleteGood for you for doing the little bit further thing! Happy Birthday to Falcor from all of us!
ReplyDeleteThank you. H's having a good day.
DeleteI feel you. I prefer to be in my home and venturing out must be planned or with my hubby at the wheel. I won't even drive myself to the doctor..it is embarrassing, but the panic attack is crippling. I am going to a bookcon in August, but chose it because it is all in one place. No driving, no leaving the resort ..plus someone I trust is my roomie. I will have to medicate before, during and after.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you are going through something like that too. But I hope you have a good time there.
DeleteHow did they say? one small step on the moon, one big step for humanity.
ReplyDeleteEvery tiny step further that you take, is important.
Happy Birthday to Falcor!
Thank you, that's very true.
DeleteThat is wonderful you took a little longer stroll down the path, very positive indeed! Happy birthday to Falcor, give him a pat and a treat from me. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. Falcor is getting lots of pats and treats today.
DeleteMary dear, I was reading this post and I had to sit down. We've been talking to each other for a decade and I had absolutely no idea you suffer from both Agoraphobia and SchizoAffective Disorder. That can't be easy. I'm proud of you to have pushed that envelope a bit.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I try to deal with it as the best I can. I have written maybe two posts about it but I don't talk about it much.
DeleteI understand. Two weeks ago my boss said she didn't know I sleep 12 hours a day. I said, "I don't talk about it much." Or something to that effect.
DeleteUnderstandable. It's hard to talk about the things that are happening to us.
DeleteI think that's it's great that you went outside and tried to take a step further than you have been. I think everything takes time and a little goes a long way. So, I applaud you for pushing yourself and taking your walk with Falcor just a bit further than you would normally.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Little steps.
DeleteThat is HUGE that you were able to push yourself. I hope that it didn't have too many impacts on you.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to Falcor.
No, I was fine once I got back inside and settled down. Falcor was happy though. He loves going for a walk.
DeleteThat's awesome you walked a bit further than you normally do and I think it's great you already go out as often as you do with Falcor while you suffer from Agoraphobia. That must be difficult each day again to get out of the door.
ReplyDeleteI am pretty sure I suffer from some mental illness too, although I never got it diagnosed. I think it's good to talk about it, but it's so hard to do when there's still so much stigma surrounding it. Thanks for talking about your mental illnesses.
Your SchizoAffective Disorder sounds hard to deal with, but that's good the medication helps a bit. That sounds creepy with the voices and hallucinations.
That's nice Falcor enjoyed the walk and I hope he has a great birthday!
Thank you. Going to a psychologist and telling her what was going on really helped. She was able to pinpoint what I have and treat it right. You should try that. I know it's hard to talk about but it might give you some peace of mind to know.
Deletevery brave Mary, my heart goes out to you and congrats for being able to do it!
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteHappy birthday to him
ReplyDeleteHe had a good day.
DeleteHappy birthday Falcor! And thanks for sharing your story- that's awesome! It helps people to know they're not alone. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It really does.
DeleteGood for you. I love walking it's just sad that my body doesn't. Ha! We love walking at the wooded trail not far from the house.
ReplyDeleteI think I would like it more if I had a wooded trail too.
DeleteWell done to you for getting a bit further! It must have been so tough for you. I suffer from stress and anxiety so I don't much enjoy going out. I can do it so it isn't agoraphobia or anything but I just prefer staying in away from people.
ReplyDeleteYeah I don't much like being around people either.
DeleteThank you for speaking about your struggle with mental illness. It's something that should be more open to discuss without being looked down on. I suffer from terrible panic attacks and some wicked anxiety and I'm tried of feeling like a second class citizen for it.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hear you on that. I think too many people feel like that and it's not right. I'm glad you could relate to what I'm going through because I can definitely relate to your struggle as well.
DeleteI'm proud of you! I suffered with agoraphobia for a few years and would barely leave the house except for doctor appointments. I have come a long way but it still is a struggle some days. I experience the other symptoms you mentioned too but the antipsychotic I'm on controls it most of the time. I know it's hard to talk about due to the stigma but it's good to do so. You never know who it might help.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Knowing that a lot of other people are dealing with the same kinds of things helps us all be able to talk about it more. I'm glad that you've been able to deal with it so well.
DeleteThat wall is just so high
ReplyDeleteIt really is. It's huge and it goes for miles. But it does help with the noise from the freeway on the other side of it.
DeleteHappy birthday to Falcor! Another May birthday so he's in great company ;-)
ReplyDeleteI admire your bravery in speaking publicly about your agoraphobia. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to live with even before the stresses of how mental health problems can be judged by others.
Happy birthday month to you too! It's hard but manageable most days.
DeleteThat's wonderful news.I wonder, is any of the Schizo-Affective Disorder affected by Tinnitus? I hear ringing, whispering and sounds my brain considers voices but it is my tinnitus because it is almost a constant accompaniment to my day and doesn't change due to my anxiety. I never thought of it but wondered if there is any research on it because of how you described the voices.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that the name "mental illness" should be changed to something that makes its organic nature apparent, like "cerebral chemistry imbalance." I think the way we define the word "mental" implies choice. It's a bit like how people used to think diabetes was from sugar because it messes up carbohydrate metabolism. Attributing it incorrectly to "sugar" took the focus off the real causes for type two.
Ach - just thinking out loud.
I have tinnitus too and for me the two things have different sounds. The tinnitus for me is more like cicadas being really loud while the voices and whispering sound different. Hearing my name being called or hearing loud whispering like I'm in a room full of people but can't make out anything they're saying.
DeleteVery well done for getting a bit further, that can't have been easy for you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to Falcor.
All the best Jan
Thank you.
DeleteThank you for sharing Mary. I know it's difficult but I do think it's important.
ReplyDeleteI suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I met so many people through blogging who suffer as well. It helped me so much to know that.
And happy birthday to Falcor!
Karen @ For What It's Worth
It is important to let people know they aren't alone and that others understand what they're going through.
DeleteWell done Mary!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to Falcor.
Thank you.
DeleteWell done. I didn't realize that you struggled with that. You seem to be doing well. I hope you continue to do well.
ReplyDeleteMelanie @ Hot Listens & Books of My Heart
Thank you.
DeleteAw happy birthday to the herd puppy. And that's awesome you got a little farther down the past. Proud of you <3
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Delete