I found these on TheOnion.com
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night,† you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.