Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)
Stop buying your kids playstations and xboxes and maybe they won't be fat asses.
kids need two things...food and clothes...everything else is extra.
I tell my wife that she is the love of my life and I tell my girlfriend she is the best sex of my life.
I can't sleep and I need to!!!! Ack gonna write until the words make no sense
That's right!! Retired hop-scotch champion;)
Sometimes I feel like spelling everything wrong.
I just dropped a frying pan, into the garbage can. It went right in, I didn't even have to grow a fin.
It's amazing how religion can take brilliant, kind people and direct them to do terrible things and lose empathy.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
I will tell the truth on Thursday instead of Tuesday cuz I'm rebellious like that
I'll jingle you like the keys in my pocket. Yes?! That's my analogy
You can attack the premise. You can blow the premise into smithereens. And people will still be talking about the invalid conclusion.
As I leaned against the wall in the elevator, it occurred to me that an ass is just a pillow attached to your backside. And I smiled.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
My tweets are la creme de la crap.
Complimentary drinks are like all other drinks, except they tell you that you look good before making you feel great
Hallo fast website! Excellent can keep hold of my sanity now whilst I edit the epicness that is my website :D
I thought I was the perfect parent--and then I had kids.
I mainly go to airports for the strip search
You're hostility makes me laugh.
I take my irresponsibilities very seriously
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
All aboard!! Choo..choo!! Shkka..shkka..shkka. Help me!! C'mon!!!!
Passing out a lot of insincere "good mornings" today.