Saturday, December 31, 2005

Optimistic VS Pessimistic

You ever wonder why some people are optomistic and others are pessimistic? I have. I myself am overly pessimistic...even negative. I'm the only one in my family to have this disease. I call it a disease because that's the way my family thinks of it, even my husband. I've endured years of therapy to try and 'fix me' I've recently come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with me. I stopped seeing the therapist and I'm not going hell with her and her you'll be 'normal' one day. Why is it that happy people don't think you are normal unless you are happy right along with them? I have lived with this negative, pessimistic outlook all of my life and frankly I am comfortable being me. I am not going to change who I am just cause the people around me want me to. I don't want to.

By now, you are probably wondering why I have such a negative outlook on life. The reason why I have this negative outlook on life is actually rather simple: because life and humans in general do indeed suck. People die, cheat, steal, lie and kill. I realize this is a rather recursive argument, but I don't care. Why do I believe that life sucks? Because, everything I have experienced in my 35 years of life has proved to me that this is so. Sure, there is the occasional bright spot every now and then, but life on the whole still remains as horrid as ever.

Some people grow up with everything handed to them, money, love, things, all the luxuries of life and still they are not happy. That should tell you something. Life can suck even if you have everything. To me I think it is an individual thing. Why do therapists think they have to 'fix' you if you are a negative person? Maybe some people are just suppossed to be negative, like some people are born to be happy and positive. Some people are tall and some are short some are happy and some are not. That's what makes us different. We don';t live in a utopia and we never will. To me that old saying is true....Life sucks...then you die.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Post Holiday blues

Does anyone besides me get them? I've been in a bad mood all week. Could have somthing to do with my Teddy Bear Hamster dying on December 24th. She was 2 years old and I wasn't expecting it at all. I woke up and she had died in her sleep. The only thing is I'm glad if she was going to die that she went in her sleep, it's hard to take one of them to the snimal hospital and watch as they put them to sleep, or watch as they get sick, I would much rather have them die in their sleep, which doesn;t happen all that often, most of the time I have to take them to the vet.

I think The holidays just depress me, I don't know why but they do.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Dark Days

Dark Days are always there when I'm down,
It always comes when all I can do is frown.
Does it matter that another life it did take,
Wishing at times that I would never wake.
Dark Days will always be around,
Even if theres naught a sound.
Sometimes I wish I would be mistaken,
but instead I was right when it was all taken.
Dark Days will never leave my side,
for its will I have to abide.
I wish that sometime soon,
I'll be a free spirit dancing by the moon.
Dark Days cover the all the stars,
still feeling like I'm on the dreaded mars.
All to wish and hope for,
is for it... like my life... to be no more...

Mary Kirkland 2005

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Christmas Tree

here's my tree.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Sometimes I think that I think to much. I seem to dwell on stuff a little to much. Maybe that's why I can't sleep, I don't know. I went to my Psychologists today and I think talking with her just brought up a whole lot of stuff that personally I would rather just forget. I havent spoke with my dad in a while, and I told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I feel guilty, but if he were just an acquaintance and not a family member I wouldnt have him anywhere near me and my family, he;s mean and he's a drunk and I can only take so much of him before I get mad and lash out. We fight constantly and i just don't see any reason to keep doing that. So I made a decision not not talk with him anymore. I know that sounds terrible, but he just got out of jail again for beating my step mom up and frankly I can't handle being around them any longer. She won't leave him and I've done all I can do. They are stessing me out way to much, so I'm letting that stress go. I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it.