Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Readers *always* entitled to their opinion. Just unexpected to hear "very well written" & "characters were relatable" and see 2 stars. LOL

"Dog that's MY bitch. Don't get it twisted" Would have also been an acceptable response.

OMG! Dogs up at 8am on Sunday! Why? Want garden? Drink??? No. They wanted toast! & sat in kitchen waiting

I'm still riding high on the fact that I beat the hubby at chess. I will now wear this like a crown for the whole week. I never win! :)

Keep your balls in the center and keep swinging. Oh that sounded wrong. Have fun bowling

S.O.S. Sex on Saturday

It's always best to head into work after double-fisting beers and chain-smoking cigarettes for an hour.

Carol and Daryl sitting in a cell. I won't fill in the rest. I exceed my Bad Humor Quota for the day

I finally got a new printer because I loathed my old one. I want to have babies with this one. It's so fast and works so well.

Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.

No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.

History always retweets itself.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

sometimes I see things that make me wanna forget I try to be... um... mostly polite online.

Um...puppy?? I've never heard that sound come from you before. You do remember you're a dog, not a horse, right??

I'm not a fan of leaving the house much but now I'll sit here waiting for the floor to open

When in doubt, return to the source. Ramen Noodles.

Cheetos can turn the most stressful days into a good day

You can get a "NOBAMA" license plate in Washington. Go ahead, try to "out-smut" the D.C. DMV.

I'm thinking the two near-miss slices to my finger while prepping dinner is the universe telling me to put. the knife. down.

No, you may not borrow my sex toys...Who the hell asks that?

The babies will love their squishy lil' elder god so! My First Cthulhu Plush

Dolphins have been known to go on killing sprees when sexually frustrated.

Oooooh, that’s a bit too harsh. Let me put "lol" at the end of it.