Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

Just because I'm wearing a choker chair on my neck doesn't mean I want to be spanked. Perv..

nipple is a bad word. say “sensitive chest raisin" instead

do guys talk about anything other than sex? Yes, farts, burps and steak..

No medicine, you are not "grape flavored". Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

I'm starting to think these back to back episodes of Dexter are not helping my four year old fall asleep.

I just found a new song I love. Now I'll replay it until I hate it. 

Just put, "no, just no" as a fb status and see how many "What's wrong" messages you get. lol 

Forever means that I'll love you even if you forget to flush that log you left in the toilet. 

A good horror book will make you sleep with the lights on. 

I love Halooween...candy. 

How can I tell Armageddon is coming? I noticed Willow Smith has over 6 million people who like her on Facebook.

Not looking in the bathroom mirror late at night because there might be someone behind you...

Hours without power, then hours more without internet. I was starting to get positively twitchy. 

Too much wine makes me happy. It also takes away my ability to type

I don't get the whole attraction to Robin Thicke. I mean seriously, wth?

A lifetime of sorrow is what comes of marrying a man with a smile that draws women like flies to a spill of syrup

I updated the software on my phone. Now its like new. In other words: all the stuff I knew is gone and I have to learn how to use it again.

Let's be real. Some things DO taste better than skinny feels.

I'm a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.

Halloween candy has officially hit the shelves. Sorry, diet.

Just watch Miley's "Wrecking Ball" video and re-lost my virginity.

I have a Ph.D in Internet stalking.

For Halloween this year, I'm going to be Miley Cyrus' tongue. I can't think of anymore more terrifying.

Telling me about your deteriorating sex life isn't the best way to sell me on the idea of marriage.