Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Twitter Wednesday!


Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

how weird is it to have pets though like a random animal just lives in your house and u can’t communicate with it but u both just accept it

I like to play this drinking game where I drink whenever anything happens.

I think Twitter makes a lot of people VERY brave. ;)

The worst thing about sex by yourself is sex by yourself...

I'm going to start referring to myself in the third person. "Yes. She'd like fries with that."

Today's weather forecast is air conditioning with a 100% chance of Netflix and Twitter.

I'm about 140 characters short of a good tweet.

*on phone* Mom, Im a 29 yr old, Twitter tycoon..I dont eat dinner w/ mortals. A Happy Meal? Just fucking kidding, im headed downstairs now

My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those lines between my eyebrows...those are my "WTF?" lines, and those fuckers are deep.

I'm sure my google searches have gotten 200% weirder since I started actively using twitter. Thanks you guys! I'm learning so much from you.

Would You Like a Table?" ... "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please."

The term 'crackdown' has a different meaning among drug dealers.

I think every author keeps one good review in their pocket so when they get a bad one they can go in a closet & pet the good one & whimper

Duck Dynasty? Watching Hillbillys with money. Oh what fun. o.o

I have to do a TV interview tomorrow. My mom just reminded me to wear panties.

I'm about to eat a Caesar salad that's probably big enough for six people. I'm not even sorry.

Braved 9th circle of hell (WallyWorld) for food. Had a headache to start. Lift alarm screamed in store for 20 minutes. Run over me already.

having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch

I'm not fond of sensor activated appliances. Waving my hand repeatedly infront of some device, trying to get it to work is annoying.

I know my cats luv me, but w/ the # of litter pans I have in the house, why do they always make stinkies in the one directly behind me? 

Now in the crazy cat lady kit! Never drink alone again: Now, there is wine for cats.

If you watch the Republican Party backwards it morphs from a bunch of information-challenged racist obstructionists into Abraham Lincoln.

Oh shits, I'm nearing 60'000 tweets. Gosh I hope it's a dick joke. 

BEHOLD THIS FUCKING EMU WHO IS ALL LIKE "COME RIDE ME," BUT THEN BEAKS YOU IN THE NECK AND STEALS YOUR LOVER 

When life knocks you down... Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b*tch."

I wish my mind had a delete button.