Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

i pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness

I may not be able to prove god does exist...but you can't prove he doesn't. 

You know what sounds awesome? Food. I haven't eaten yet today. Should probably fix that.

Hooking up my sad excuse for a printer. Santa, I know it's early, but I hope you're listening.

If you can't parent your kids without hitting them, you've no business being a parent.

I'm just sitting in my office chair, waiting for something to happen. Need to get my butt in gear and be the thing that happens.

About to level up to sweatpants mode.

If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

I confess I have an internet addiction! There I admit it! :)

Ok, check me on this, isn't the affordable care act still insurance through private companies whose goal is to make a profit, & they will.

In line for the bathroom at Starbucks. Man has just gone in ahead of me carrying a book.

why isn’t “too tired” a valid excuse to skip school and lay in my bed all day

It's always fun listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth.

I need to make a door snake and put plastic on my windows.

I smoke pot...does that make me a pot head?

Real, healthy women have curves, and body hair, and a little cellulite. They do NOT look like twelve year old boys when naked. Just sayin'.

Whether it's a 14 minute mile or a 6 minute mile - it's still a mile. 

My husband is Canadian, lives in US. He has convinced our youngest that he can speak to Canadian geese, and the geese are spies

Phone charged but my battery is flat lol. *bed tweet'. N'night all xx

Aaaand somebody forgot to bcc again. *headdesk*

Seriously? They're making hydrocodone a schedule 2? That stuff might as well be Pez.

I'd snapchat you back but, my face. And my hair. And just, no.

"When the ice cream van is playing music, it means they've run out of ice cream." 

Ha! My granddad told me Cheerios were donut seeds. We planted some :D

I'm going to teach my kids the wrong words for objects. Call a spoon an "airplane" and so on. They'll be so confused at school