Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

I just dropped a glob of nutella on my keyboard. The F button is now sticky

my favorite time of year is when all the bugs start to die

I just got wine in my eye. Yes, call me the master un-corker.

Anyone know what the dimples on the back just above the butt are called & why most, but not all men have them, but very few women?

OMG. I tripped on a power cord while holding a cereal bowl. Bowl didn't break. I pulled EVERY MUSCLE. Gonna hurt so bad tomorrow. *whimper*

Love how McDonalds is now trying to position itself as a coffee shop. The only thing I go into McDonalds for that isn't a burger is a piss.

Santa claus has the right idea. He only visits people once a year. 

You know you’re a generally crankypants when you have a list of annoying things about porn gifs on tumblr

Why does being a parent involve attending so many boring ceremonies and meetings?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who panics while ordering food at restaurants

I've seen this a bit recently. People having some reaction to small, fuel efficient cars like it's some fake environmental status symbol

Saw bumper sticker on big truck: Gladly burning fuel not used by your Prius. Not a fan of this sentiment. Also dude drove like a jerk

do you ever get a weird crush on someone that’s not even attractive but you’re just attracted to them and you don’t know why

I'm a bi-polar tweeter. One day I'll tweet a lot, the next day I'll barely tweet at all.

Just because I cant sing does not mean I wont sing.

Roses are red, violets are blue, he's for me, not for you. If by chance, you take my place, i'll take my fist, and smash your face.

You know you've won the argument when the other person says "whatever...."

I told my banker I'd like to open a joint account. He asked, "with whom?". I said which ever one of your customers that has the most money.

My golden retriever is yet to retrieve gold.

For a long time I thought ground beef just referred to a cow with no legs.

I must have misplaced my money. Should I check under the mattress?

I'm already at that point of the school year where even copying someone's homework requires too much effort

Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again