Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

My doctor told me to drink more vodka. Well, he said "less wine", but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.

Eyelids are twitchy. Is that a sign I need a nap?

When I have a headache I take two aspirins and keep away from children - just like the bottle says.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

But... but what if my banana just don't bend that way?

I’m simultaneously the nicest and meanest person you’ll ever meet

You know you've won the argument when the other person says "whatever...."

Tonight I convinced my daughter my mom’s pendant said “thug life”

Cats can't play Twister, someone always gets knocked up.

Of all other nights, the fire alarm had to be like, "tonight is the night! - Aaaaaaaaasshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

Adults are just kids with money.

Dear Santa, why wasn't Channing Tatum under my tree Christmas morning?

Pray for me Twitter! We're leaving to go skiing tomorrow and hubby has enrolled me in ski school O_o Not that I'm terrified or anything...

I have cable...120 channels and nothing is on. How can that be?

At Starbucks trying to edit, but a cute little kid at the next table is playing peek-a-boo with me! Totes adorbs.

The family down the street gave each other guns for x-mas. They've all shot each other already. That takes care of that.

Now that x-mas is over, there are poor, burned out, used elves everywhere. Santa, you bastard.

Was at the vet this morning and was sexually assaulted by a thermometer. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. Fuckers.

Whenever you experience issues with your internet, it's because another couple million cat videos are being uploaded at once.

i want money but not a job

I would betray all of you in the Hunger Games

if you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you

White churches the best tho. Except that awkward 2 minutes when u Trynna find a seat and all the white ppl praying u don't sit next to them