Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)
Strangers are great. Unlike friends, they're highly unlikely to get upset when you don't call them for months at a time.
I should be given an award for remaining calm each time I see you naked.
Were you gonna go ahead and implement that New Year's resolution you made in 1997, to lose weight?
I can't wait until this vacation is over so I can get back to work and get some rest.
seriously the amount of time I spend just imagining and re-imagining totally made-up scenarios in my head has got to be unhealthy
how do people even fucking sleep with night lights my room needs to be as dark as my soul
do u ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in
How does an Icelandic Elf ordinarily jizz?
Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments
when i was younger $20 felt like $100 and now $20 feels like $1
I'd cut off both his balls with a blunt spoon and feed them to him for breakfast.
So far my new years res to become a morning person is going well...staying up until 2 am and waking at 10. What? 10 is still morning!
Sexy smut so creepy and disturbing you just can't let your friends know you rub yourself to it
Just realized that Xbox doesn't recognize me without my glasses, which means it's about as smart as Lois Lane.
Please, we shouldn't be stocking up food for the winter storm; we should be stocking up food for the zombie apocalypse we all know is coming
The label "Don't take with alcohol" is two words too long
Apparently shuffle means find the songs I've been meaning to delete
My bologna has a first name, I get attached too easily
I read a journal article about generating organs from stem cells, so now I can stop being nice to my family
Brushing up on my non-existent physics. Stay in school. It comes back to bite you in unexpected ways.
Never put her in a corner when she can be spread on your bed
Would've been nice if somebody warned me I have to charge a smartphone every 40 minutes.
Leave me alone, I'm trying to meditate. Meow-ohm..meow-ohm..meow-ohm..
Fuck! I forgot what I was gonna tweet!
If you try to inspire me right now, don't be surprised when I throw dirt in your eyes.
Winters are all about drinking 1 glass of water & going to toilet 10 times!
Posted by Mary Kirkland at 12:00 AM