Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ah, Monday morning. How did you get here so fast?

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund

bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S

so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.

thinks everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

I cannot finish this steak but I don't want to put it in the fridge. Eats it all and has a stomache ache now. 

just farted and it froze. Damn it's coooold!

had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.

I made a sammich for myself and hubby comes in afterwards and asks, you eating? *stop eyeballin my sammich*

Gee Great. How long before IKEA comes up with new furniture made with real God Particle Board.

is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down

I need to step away from contemporary BDSM for a while. The last two just haven’t been good ones and I don’t think I can put up with Doms.

one of my rats just pee'd on me and I was like, oh well you're so cute I dont care. lol 

No Maury, I am not the....MAURY!! HE IS THE FATHER!! HIS EYES! LOOK AT HIS EYES!Maury,I'm white the babies asian. "He's right"..MAURY! MAURY

 I curse which ever of my wife's relatives painted this 120-year-old chifforobe white. Hours later it is a beautiful pecan again

"Slip me some of that hot beef injection, cowboy." ...and other things I say to guys I like.

You know what goes well with this hangover? Shame and regret.

If you don’t pull your string cheese into a hundred different little parts before eating it…you bet your ass I’m judging you.

How woman expect me to understand what 15min means when they're getting ready but they don't know what 15min means when I'm leaving the bar?

I told my 5 year old that mommy's at the walk-in clinic with bronchitis so he's super-excited & thinking she'll be bringing home a dinosaur.

Don't just follow me for my tweets. Follow me out of pity, too.

It's not an indecent proposal if she says yes