Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Twitter Wednesday!


Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

Randomly harassing people you know absolutely nothing about on the Internet is why we can't have nice things.

If you don't need to take a shower after eating wings then you're not doing it right.

yes my thighs touch and so do the rest of my legs and also my feet in fact my whole bottom half is in one piece i am a mermaid

You can suffer the pain of change, or suffer remaining the way you are.

How about instead of using a groundhog to predict weather, we shoot Chihuahuas out of a cannon?

"pass interference" is when a defending player shoots down the ball with a guided missile

"holding" is a penalty because sometimes players hug each other and just never stop

If I ran the LPNational, I'd buy a SuperBowl ad featuring Morgan Freeman reciting the Bill of Rights while "Won't Get Fooled Again" plays.

This just in: Punxsutawney Phil shot by angry mob who are tired of winter.

i think im emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months

WHY SEX IS GOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN AND STOPS HEART DISEASE. WE TOLD OUR WIVES THIS. THEY STILL SENT US TO THE SPARE BEDROOM.

Sometimes I check my messages to make sure I still have none

apparently I am just the cook, maid, and transportation person. I didn't even get a "love you honey' this morning.

so what do you say we all take turns telling how many times we masturbated this week. You go first.

My wife is stubborn and she reads this so she's also sweet. 

had family around for a while but now they went back to their caves. 

I wanted toast for breakfast. I got burnt bread. 

time to feed the goggie. When did I start talking like a 2 yr old?

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it

Teaching fractions today. As an English teacher, have to do my best impression of someone who knows what they're talking about

Talking like Ned Flanders is one of my grand schemes to get fired.

I see in my twitter feed, there's plenty of WTFs as usual. Oh, internet.

I've been busier than I thought I would be today, and stupider too. Still dealing with a foggy deadline brain.

A yelling mother is the original surround sound.

If you're going to be my fantasy, you should probably expect to receive a spreadsheet of things I want to experience.

My cat says...Sorry I ripped ur last roll of toilet paper up & u had to get to the kitchen with ur pants down to retrieve a paper towel.