Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

My sinuses are making a noise like ice cracking on a pond. That can't be normal can it?

I can remember your name, phone number,twitter handle and spouse's favorite hobby within 5 minutes and you're pissed about no eye contact?

We all can't be leaders but some of you I think want me to bow? Yikes!! Hey. Yeah. Shhh. Later on. Call me

Holy windstorm, Batman!

Dear Big Fat Spider in my mud room. Let's make a deal, you get the mud room, I get the rest of the house.

Just save your small victories in a chest somewhere. Then, once in awhile? Pull them out and just gloat in them for awhile. Well deserved!

Sleeping is so hard when you can't stop thinking.

How is it that people can be so stupid. That is all. 

Yes please wear your pants down around you ankles. I love looking at underwear. 

My neighbor just got served papers she is being sued for check fraud and the server was laughing. 

Still thinking about the time I lost $15 on a blackjack table. You know what I could have done w that monies? I could have got Taco Bell.

Why is it still so damn cold? Where is spring?

I hate it when new shows get cancelled. Why do I bother watching tv at all. 

My dog just farted. Kill me now. 

My ferret got out of her cage and ate a huge hole into my loaf of bread. wtf ferret!

oh yur in line at welfare wearing gold chains and just got your nails did? idiot. 

My gf must think I'm an idiot. She pushed me in her sleep last night but then I hear her giggling. Asleep?

 If you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument.

"U may get cancer or a horrible infection but ur elbows won't itch anymore."

"U may go around ur neighborhood naked and unaware but good news is u won't know or care b/c you'll b floating on the wings of Lunesta".

Don't u just love the med ads? "U may want to kill yourself but u won't want to b smoking cigarettes when u contemplate pull the trigger".

CNN is now saying that Godzilla may have something to do with a missing 777.

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

It's a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a McDonald's is just farts.