Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Twitter Wednesday!

Welcome to another Twitter Wednesday, where I pull some of the funniest tweets from my Twitter feed and post them here for you to read. As always I have left off the names and @'s so no one gets mad. :)

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 

Guys, the dentist office is playing like hipster music, (Phoenix, shins) and motown and this could a pandora station.

Went house hunting today. First house was nice but there were cars in yards next door and kids in the street. Next!

Typo = "truffle oil not ruffle oil"

I't a well-worn tactic! Japanese trolls screamed 'racist' too if anyone criticized their whaling/dolphin killin machine.

I'll be falling asleep in 2 minutes. 

I underestimate my ability to dance until I walk into a spider web. 

Ur stressed out from driving back and forth to work. I'm crafting you a bazooka that can be mounted on top of your car. Should help.

Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. 

my kid just flicked a boogie at me and then calmly walked away. wth?

That lovely feeling when you know you're sliding into a funk and there's jack you can do about it. 

I hate when I try to order salad and my mouth says, "I'll have a double quarter pounder with cheese." 

I broke down and bought my kid a hamster. She won't touch him because he licked her. I guess I have a hamster now. 

fb is really annoying, I mean who are all those people talking to me. I don't even like my family. 

So let me get this straight. I come home after working and have to make dinner too? No, I'm ordering out. 

I hate cleaning my house. I need a maid service which means I need a job. 

F*&%^?g computers! Halfway thought my work and it decides to configure itself @ turn off. *drops kicks laptop*

When my show is on, everyone needs to stfu!

I put my gum on my headboard so I wouldn't choke in my sleep. Now it's in my hair. *kill me now*

*Note to self* Don't use fresh ginger as a homemade dildo. *ouch!*