Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sometimes...I just need to vent

There seems to be too much on my mind these days, but I don't talk about it because I don't know where to start. It seems so pointless to even try talking anymore. I feel like no one else will understand the situation I am in or the depth of my pain.

Everything in my life feels so over with and wrong. I've been getting upset more and more lately, over the smallest of things. I guess I am making up for all the times I that I just didn't care enough to even lift my head. I'm just so darn depressed.

My birthday is next month.

When I was a little girl I used to imagine how my life would be when I was an adult, all grown and on my own. It seemed like I had years ahead of me back then and I looked forward to getting out of my life back then and making things better for myself. I looked forward to being happy, having a husband and a good job. Something more than what I had as a child, at least that. I believed that I had control over my future and was going to make things work.

But now that I am 40 years old, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. Time seems to have stopped for me, I'm totally out of touch with the rest of the world, with human kind. I'm trapped in hell, and can't wake from this nightmare that has become my life.

I feel like my time here is over, it's so done and over with. I feel like whatever I was meant to do with my life, I've done it and it's time to move on now.

I'm exhausted body and mind. My spirit is broken, the pieces are missing and can't be put back together again. I'm so tired of struggling with the pain, the stress. It's a losing battle and I'm tired of trying.

All the dreams I had as a child are no more, dreams are now nightmares. I've tried to kill myself and my family called me a coward, that I was taking the cowards way out, well no one wants to be known as a coward, but I'm no survivor and staying alive is like living in a prison of my own making where everyday I die a little more inside.

Yes I'm alive on the outside, but on the inside, I'm already dead. I go through the motions each and every day and some days are harder than others.

I need to vent but it does no good, words do nothing to cure the darkness inside me, the shadows that have taken over my soul that fade away a little more each day. I'm slowly fading away and soon there will be nothing left but an empty shell.

I don't want to start over, I don't want things to change anymore because I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm not really here anymore.

And I don't want another Birthday.

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