Saturday, January 22, 2011

What I've Learned by Watching Horror Movies

I've been watching Horror movies since I was a little kid and my mom let me watch dracula with her. She used to let me stay up late with her so she wouldn't be out in the living room all alone while watching a scary movie. *And I wondered why I had nightmares*

Since I've been watching Horror movies for what seems like my whole life, I thought I would share what Horror Movies have taught me.

When walking into the bathroom, never ever look behind the shower curtain if you hear a noise. A serial killer is likely waiting to rip you to shreds if you do.

Never uncover your feet while sleeping. All body parts should be covered at all times and don't dangle your hands off the side of the bed, the monster hiding underneath your bed will take that as an invitation to pull you down there with him.

Do you like to Swim in the ocean? Well stop right now or else you could be the only one who ever gets an up close look at the prehistoric fish....right before he eats you. Never swim in a pool when it's dark outside, Saunas are the same...just make sure there are others in the sauna or hot tub with you if you are in the water after dark. Never fall asleep in the bathtub or use bubble bath so you can't see what's in the tub with you.

Never open the curtains to look outside after dark just because you hear a little noise, you never know what might be looking back at you from the other side of the window,, and then they'll know you are home...

Never ever go in the basement, or the thing to do is just board those places up and pretend they don't exhist.

If you are the jokester, always crackin' jokes in your group of'll be the first to die...sorry buddy.

Never, ever, ever trust a clown. Don't go to the circus, invite them to your kids party, or take any ballooons from them at amusement parks. Trust me on this...

If you start hearing're probably just posessed by a demon or ghost...don't worry, you won't be alive much longer...

If you turn your tv off and it comes back on even when unplugged, give it away as fast as you can. Don't just throw it away, it has to have a new owner because...Sometimes They Come Back!

Don't trust that just because you hit the big monster-looking guy in the head and he falls down that he won't get back up when your back is turned. Make sure to cut his head, arms and legs off before you sit down.

If your child has a weird fascination with knives and cleavers and has tried to cut you on more than one occassion, you might want to stop this serial killer before he grows an exorcist right away.

If you suddenly find youself pregnant without having had sex.....have an abortion right away, or the little moster may eat its way out of you.

If your child tries to skin the family dog to make a fur coat, you may want to get him some mental help or you'll end up with a Buffalo Bill.

There are some places you just should never go and I know this from experience...Never go to West virginia, I lived there for a year so I know wheat goes on in those back woods out of the way places... Some of those inbred hillbillies might see your girlfriend and want her as breeding stock, which would make you tonight's dinner.

Also living in the Nevada Desert has brought a few things to my never go into the desert by yourself, you are just asking for some nuclear bomb-mutant to clock you over the head, take you back to his underground camp and serve you with 10 year old canned beans for dinner.

And for the love of all that is holy, stay away from the Rest Stops! No good can ever come from getting out and using the restoom here, trust're already dead if you do.

Stay away from old burial grounds and never ever use the creepy burial grounds to put poor fluffy to'll just find him back at the door the next day and he won't be the same.

If you can't find the light switch in the kitchen, just go open the refrigerator door, then use that light to find the switch instead of flailing along the wall for an hour in search of the mysterious light switch.

Never under any circumstances ever pick up a hitch hiker. If you do, you are already dead, sorry buddy.


  1. LOL Mary. I chuckled all the way through this. I'm not keen on horror movies. I've always kept away from the creepy stuff.

  2. Ha ha, very true!


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