I've been thinking of writing an autobiography or memoir but it just never comes together for me but I figured if I write one story at a time and post it on my blog maybe once a month, I can do that. Maybe one day I'll pull all the stories together and put them in a book but for now I'll just share some stories with you about my childhood and into adulthood. Some of the stories will be happy, some sad and some horrific because that was my childhood. But they will all be real, things that actually happened. If it seems like something that people enjoy reading maybe, I'll keep it going. These stories will not be in any kind of order, I'll just write them as they come to me.
Living With Schizotypal Personality Disorder
I didn't find out that I had Schizotypal Personality Disorder until I was 25 years old. Which is weird since I had been in and out of the Psychiatric hospital a few times from the time I was 17 years old. The Psychiatrists and Psychologists in the hospitals only said I suffered from depression and anxiety. But after I got out of the Psychiatric hospital the last time, I looked for a psychologist and after a few weeks of talking to her she told me I fit all the criteria for Schizotypal Personality Disorder as well as Schizoaffective Disorder. It explained a lot. The Psychologists explained that Schizoaffective Disorder in my case can be thought of as having all the symptoms of Schizophrenia without the Psychosis. Although I have had a couple of Psychotic episodes.
When I was a kid my mom used to get really mad at me because I didn't show a lot of emotions, this especially upset her when we were taking pictures and I didn't smile. I feel emotions, they are just very subdued. My mom used to tell me, "Stop giving me the evil eye."
Only, I wasn't trying to give her the evil eye, this is just my face. Neither one of us understood what was wrong with me. I learned really quickly not to look my mom directly in the eyes because she would always accuse me of giving her the evil eye or giving her a dirty look.
I was too young to fake it or to put a fake smile on my face. It never even occurred to me. Not until I was older and had a job and people would say things like, "You'd be prettier if you smiled. Are you in a bad mood? You should smile more. What's wrong today?" So I started fake smiling. I still do it today. I would say that 75% of the laughing or smiling I do today is fake. I just do it to make others feel comfortable. I had a therapist tell me that's what I should do. Learn to read the room and act the way everyone else is. So, as I got older, I learned to mimic others' emotions because my own emotions are very subdued and I have an abnormal affect. Meaning I might smile at the wrong time or look sad at happy occasions. It can be quite hard to constantly be on guard as to what emotion is playing out on my face in social situations. At home a lot of times I don't self-regulate my emotions or fake anything and my daughter will still ask me if I'm alright or mad, sad, depressed. No, this is just my face.
So because I have both disorders, I have hallucinations, hear voices, mostly whispering but sometimes actual voices talking. I sometimes feel someone touching my leg or at night I'll feel my bed shaking like an earthquake. But I've been relying on Falcor to let me know if it really is shaking. If he doesn't respond to what I'm seeing or feeling, I know it's not real. I sleep with a couple of lights on so hallucinations can't come out of the shadows at night and scare me.
So what is Schizotypal Personality Disorder? Good question.
People with schizotypal personality disorder are often described as odd or eccentric, and usually have few, if any, close relationships. They generally don't understand how relationships form, leading to severe anxiety and a tendency to turn inward in social situations.
In schizotypal personality disorder, people also exhibit odd behaviors, respond inappropriately to social cues and hold peculiar beliefs.
Schizotypal personality disorder typically begins in early adulthood and is likely to endure, though symptoms may improve with age. Schizotypal Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing.
In response to stress, individuals with this disorder may experience very brief psychotic episodes (lasting minutes to hours). If the psychotic episode lasts longer, this disorder may actually develop into Brief Psychotic Disorder, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder or Schizophrenia. Individuals with this disorder are at increased risk for Major Depressive Disorder. Other Personality Disorders (especially Schizoid, Paranoid, Avoidant, and Borderline) often co-occur with this disorder.
Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Schizotypal personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
•Ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)
•Odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or "sixth sense"; in children and adolescents, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)
•Unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions
•Odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)
•Suspiciousness or paranoid ideation
•Inappropriate or constricted affect
•Behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar
•Lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
•Excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self
So this may answer some questions about me, eh?
I see no reason to hide mental illness. It's an illness like any other and the stigma surrounding it needs to stop.
Links to past stories
2023
2024
I haven't heard of that before Mary. It's hard to live with such things, but once you know about it you understand yourself more and that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is a good thing.
DeleteI really appreciate you sharing your story and this information. I am sorry this has been your life. It cannot be easy coping with this. You're brave woman.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, I appreciate that.
DeleteAfter some of the experiences you had as a child, depression and anxiety as a young adult would have been perfectly normal, so I'm not surprised they thought that's all it was at first.
ReplyDeleteThe stuff about being "inconsistent with subcultural norms" seems a bit arbitrary because it depends what culture you happen to be in. During the Middle Ages, things like "magical thinking, superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or sixth sense" would have been fully consistent with the subcultural norms, because their subcultural norms were stupid. Maybe some of our will eventually turn out to be wrong too.
That's true. I think some of the descriptions can be seen in all kinds of ways. It could all be wrong.
DeleteYou have had to overcome such a lot to be recognised in the world. I take my hat off to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteThank you for sharing all of that, Mary. I was not familiar with those terms. Do you think it’s genetic? Some of what you described are characteristics of autism and I believe related. I have multiple family members with different traits you’ve listed and that’s what makes me think it all falls under the same umbrella.
ReplyDeleteI was told it's not genetic. No one else in my family has anything like these things that I have.
DeleteWhile both do have overlapping symptoms, they are not related conditions as far as I know.
A lot of conditions have a lot of overlapping symptoms but have nothing else in common.
You're right, Mary, mental illness is just a fact of life and we need to de-stigmatize it and understand it better. Your openness helps do exactly that! So thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteThanks for sharing this, very interesting.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
DeleteThanks for that, it's was very informative and you've been amazing though all this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I really appreciate that.
DeleteMary, first thank you for sharing this part of your life. I believe that it may help others to read this. I was not aware of Schizotypal Personality Disorder as I'm sure a lot of people are not. I know it took courage to write this and I commend you for this. When you were writing about hallucinations, hear voices, mostly whispering but sometimes actual voices talking, and other "supernatural" happenings, I have had those since I was a kid. However, I'm a "seer" and I suspect you are as well. Having Flaco as a safety net is brilliant. I have always felt a connection with you since we met on blogger, Ha ha maybe because of the rats. Joking aside, I have so much respect for you. Again, thank you dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I appreciate that. Having Falcor really does help. I'm glad we met too.
DeleteConsidering some of your childhood stories, you're lucky it's not worse. I know, it's not influenced by environment, but... I understand masking pretty well as I do it myself. I hated when people told me to smile more. Grrrr.
ReplyDeleteOh, I really hate that too.
DeleteI am so happy you were able to get a specific diagnosis. So many people never do. Thank you for sharing your story. You never know who will read this, relate, and seek help. ☺
ReplyDeleteThat's very true. It took a while but I'm glad I know now. I hope it does help someone.
DeleteThanks for sharing this. I can only imagine how scary it must have been at times, though getting it diagnosed would really help. I spent some time getting psychiatric counselling for depression when I was teenager, so I've had a tiny glimpse into such things.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It did help for sure. I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with depression too.
DeleteIt must be so frustrating to get that kind of diagnosis so late, when there was every opportunity to get you the support you needed before!
ReplyDeleteIt was but I'm glad I finally got it.
DeleteEven then it is brave of your to share. It is something I was unaware and am leaving your space more informed. Sorry that it took so long for someone to figure out what the issue was. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteThanks for sharing something that must have been hard to do.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I appreciate that.
DeleteI'm so glad you were able to get a diagnosis. I'd never heard of it before today and appreciate you sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Hopefully this will help someone else.
DeleteDear Mary, I applaud 👏 you for sharing your story. It takes courage to do this and I really appreciate you. 🙏
ReplyDeleteIt is a good thing that you were able to get a diagnosis. Mental health is so important and there are so many aspects.
Depression, OCD, hoarding, anxiety, Anorexia, the list goes on.
The stigma definitely needs to stop and it's terrible that there is a stigma in this day and age. We are in 2026.
I agree with you on that.
DeleteIt takes a brave person to open up as you have done. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteAnd, add to that the physical health concerns you are adjusting, too. You sure got more than your fair share of complications. You've done amazing figuring out the coping mechanisms to get by and, look at you, you did have some wonderful close relationships with Ken, your daughter, and grandson, to name a few.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your openness to share your diagnosis and symptoms. You're right that it shouldn't be stigmatized in society.
I can relate to the dampened emotions and 'hard stare', struggles in social situations, anxiety, etc. I have to consciously make an effort around other people. They kept wanting to diagnose Autism when I was younger, but I don't meet all the criteria. Just shy and socially awkward. LOL
Thank you, Sophia. There's so many people out there that can relate to some of the different aspects of this and I appreciate that.
DeleteThank you for sharing this so openly. Your honesty about living with this and learning to navigate the world really stayed with me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteIt's definitely not something that needs to be hidden; there shouldn't be shame in having to deal with any mental struggles. We all struggle with something, right? It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot for most of your life. Kudos for navigating it all. Makes me admire your strength and grit even more. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, I appreciate that.
DeleteYou've to deal with a lot! Having a diagnosis probably helps in treatment and just understanding yourself. Despite all of that it seems like you have some wonderful relationships: your daughter and grandson, and yes, Falcor! Thank you for sharing your story, Mary!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate that.
DeleteI love that you're unafraid to talk about mental illness and your life dealing with it. When you think about all you've been through in your life and the people who have hurt you over the years it's a miracle that you have been able to trust anyone. And that you've built a loving and caring life with your family. You're an incredibly strong and amazing person. Thank you for sharing all this.
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet. Thank you.
DeleteI can only imagine how hard this has been, but your courage in sharing is admirable.
ReplyDeleteYour words carry both pain and strength.
Thank you for trusting us with them.
Thank you for reading this post.
DeleteIt's brave of you to share this. I am not familiar with these illnesses and can't imagine how hard it is to navigate life with others when carrying this burden.
ReplyDeleteThe help I've received from doctors over the years has helped a lot.
DeleteI think today we all have some kind of personal disorder to this or that extent. People always had them, but they just lived with them without naming them LOL
ReplyDeleteThat's true.
DeleteI totally agree with you! Talking about it helps others understand. As a teacher I had access to student files, and it helped me understand my special needs students. Thanks for sharing your history.
ReplyDeleteThat's great to hear. Thank you.
DeleteIt must have been somewhat helpful to have your condition diagnosed so that you could understand it and live with it better.
ReplyDeleteIt was helpful.
DeleteThank you for sharing your story. Mental health issues should be brought into the light and discussing them normalized. It's good that you understand what's going on and have treatments that work. There are so many people out there undiagnosed or afraid to talk about it. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteYes there are and that's really sad. Hopefully my posts about this help someone else.
DeleteThanks for sharing, Mary. I agree that the stigma needs to stop. Our oldest is bipolar and struggles.
ReplyDeleteIt really does. I'm sure that's hard.
DeleteIt's so important for us to spread good information about mental illness. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI agree. You're very welcome.
DeleteI had not heard of this before. Thank you for explaining
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
Delete