Monday, September 30, 2013


So I think I told you all a while back that I considered myself to be Wiccan. I was Wiccan for years, a lot of years. My grandmother got me on that path when she took me to séances, palm readers and told me that my ancestors were witches that were burned at the stake. *Yeah I seriously doubt that*

I don't really know how it happened but I slowly lost my faith in, well...everything...after my mother passed away. 

I had so many people coming up to me telling me she was in a better place, she was with God, she was happy now and not in pain. 

A better place?

I started thinking about that and realized that I didn't believe that, at all. I no longer believed in heaven, hell, god, fluffy white clouds that angels are dancing on while looking down on us, watching over us. I didn't believe in the power of the universe, the power in nature or earth and I didn't believe in what my Wicca books had taught me. 

I didn't believe that angels are among us, or that ghosts exist, and I didn't believe that we have this great ever lasting life after we die. I didn't believe in reincarnation or that it was god's will or that anything at all happens after we die other than our bodies start to decompose and our brains are dead and we didn't have a clue that we had died. 

I started thinking, If all these people really believed that my mom or their deceased loved one was really in a better place or now happy...why in the hell were they crying? Why were they so upset? She's in a better place, so why aren't you happy about that? She's looking down on you smiling and she's happy, healthy and with god in why are you so upset if you really believe that. Shouldn't those people be celebrating the death of people who are in a better place?

If you're so sure you're going to a better place when you die, why do you wear a seatbelt? Why do you stay healthy and want to live for a long time? Why do you take safety precautions on the job or put your kids through the pain of chemotherapy and radiation when you find out they have cancer?

Why not just let them die and be happy, go to a better place? 

I think I know why...because you don't really believe it any more than I do but I'm voicing my true feelings. Is that why, maybe?

I'm not trying to piss off any of my religious friends, I'm really not. I'm just telling you what happened to me and why I now consider myself to be Agnostic. 

It's like a switch turned to off in my head and everything just stopped. Now when I hear someone saying that god saved them from a flood or that when the tornado came down and destroyed their neighbors house but not theirs that god was looking out for them...I wonder if they think god was looking out for them, then does that mean that god wasn't looking out for the person who just lost everything? See, it really doesn't make sense when you look at it like that, does it?

Frankly, I don't think we'll know for sure either way until we die and even then if there's nothing after death...we won't know then either.

Now the really amazing thing for me was a few months ago when I was talking to my dad on the phone. He asked me if I was still a I told him no and tried explaining to him what I believed, I broke it down like this:

"I don't think that while we are alive we will ever know whether there is a higher being so I'm not going to worry about it until I die. Then if there is, I'll know."

I was ready for my dad to go into all the reasons why he didn't agree with me, but instead he said, "You know what..I kinda feel the same way but I haven't been able to put it into those words."

Well imagine my shock. Let me give you a little background on my dad. He grew up in a Mormon family, was raised Mormon and was even a Mormon missionary when he was younger. He made me and my younger brother go to Primary school each week and even had the Primary school teachers come to our house for bible study each week when I was a kid.

He's always been of a religious mind so when he told me that his faith had faltered too, I was stunned. But it was interesting because now we have something in common that we didn't have before.